Whiteboard Jungle: Top 10 Other Things I'm Most Likely to Say at Work

Top 10 Other Things I'm Most Likely To Say At Work^*

10. (to coffee shop employee) Now, when you say "shots," do you mean whiskey?
9. Please shoot me... Wait, would I get workers comp for that?
8. 8 MILES PER HOUR (to whatever asshole almost ran me over in an electric cart this time¹)
7. They really need to start stocking Valium or Demerol in the medicine cabinet.
6. Who is this person and why are they calling me about a server I have never heard of?
5. That sounds like a Level 2 thing. We're Level 3. Send the ticket off to them. And pray.
4. Why does the Windows group seem to have someone whose sole duty is to offload service desk tickets on some other group, and we don't?
3. I don't want to hear it.²
2. The most dangerous person is someone who thinks they know more than they do.³
1. I have so turned in my letter of resignation.

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^* Excluding exclamatory expletives
¹ The speed limit for electric carts (and all traffic) on the lot is 8 miles per hour. They're also supposed to stop at all stop signs and, well, those big-ass white lines with "STOP" spray-painted over them on the road. Apparently, however, some people are just too important and have too important a place to be to follow the Little People rules.^4
2 Generally repeated multiple times until the person finally realizes that I actually really don't want to hear it, or they've already finished saying what they were going to say anyway.
³ Which means I must work in the white-collar office equivalent of Iraq.
⁴ Look, no one driving around in a Kath & Kim cart⁵ is ever going to qualify as the most important person in the world. Or even on the lot. Seriously, asshole.
⁵ Yes, I have really, truly yelled "8 MILES PER HOUR" at some asshole who nearly ran me over in a Kath & Kim cart. The other guy who had to jump out of the way yelled "JACKASS" and then had to explain to the person he had been on the phone with that he wasn't talking to them.