Knittin' Crap: Lowest Form of Humour

A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it first
-Oscar Levant

The latest in my compulsion to render bad puns in yarn: the Ninja Star:



Previous offenses:

The Costume Ball

The Catfish

The Lemon Shark

News: Holiday Funnies

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And how many people will react to their Christmas presents:

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News: Inspirational Thoughts For Today

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The acronym for the CIA's new Wikileaks Task Force is priceless. Figure it out.


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And the requisite lolcat:

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News: Cats, Cats, Legos, and Cats

Cats:

• While this cat is... impressive, those owners need about 20 swift kicks in the pants by a ninja wearing steel-toed boots for letting it get this far:
  
• How to pet a kitty, make sure to click through for full lesson or you'll regret it in the middle of the night!
  
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• What your cat would say if it could talk.
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Legos:
Someone at Apple managed to get paid for making an Antikythera Mechanism (a 2100-year-old device that could accurately predict eclipses) out of Lego Technics.

More cats:

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• And the truth about kittens...
• And this kid looks like a precocious dumbass:
  
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Other: A Creeping Death

The last two months, I've been spending an exorbitant amount of time playing Minecraft. I'm not even going to try to explain the game here, because I'd just make my addiction sound more pathetic. But I will show some pictures of my lovely glass domicile, featuring a jacuzzi/fishing pond on the first floor and an expansive greenhouse on the second:




I heard about the game from one of the kernel developers at work. The dude is lucky that he's a couple hundred miles away and that I still haven't figured out how to subcontract ninjas. But for anyone who was expecting a bigger Xmas present from me than they end up getting, well, you will know whom to blame.

P.S. While I may be addicted, I'm nowhere as bad off as the guys who put this together on a multiplayer server: (Yes, I am doing the "Well, I may not have a life, but they have even less of a non-life... or more of a non-life... or however that logic works" thing.)

News: 'N'Stuff

Tranportation:

• An infographic of pedestrian deaths in cities around the world. Atlanta of all places is #1 at nearly 11 deaths per 100,000 residents. LA is only #3. (It's not clear if this is an absolute list of all cities or just a random sampling.)
• Amtrak and Greyhound are both actively adding wi-fi to their buses and train cars.
• Interesting take on the inconsistency and poor training of TSA agents (probably not their fault -- regulations seem to change every 5 minutes and who can keep up?) by someone with large amounts of titanium in his body.
• Some people are pushing for child-free flight options, but I'd be satisfied if parents just had to pass a simple common-sense child control test first.
• And an extremely catchy song about the TSA:
  

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I firmly believe that cats possess a genetic knowledge, and this is one of the items. The call of the can opener (not as used now that most cans of cat food and tuna have those pull-tabs) and fear of the vacuum cleaner (something Pandora refused to have) are two others. This one is in the same vein:

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The Stupid:

• In this article about America's obsession with smartphones, this guy Doug seriously has issues, proving once again that modern technology is affecting the course of natural selection, because I don't see how he would have survived this long without the thing. I fear for his offspring if the battery ever dies.
• And today's stupid criminal, courtesy of Ohio... Also unlikely candidate for prolonging her gene pool.

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Not having a hard time imaging Spoon if I actually baked a turkey...

Spoonerisms: Lap of Last Resort

The weather here is starting to feel a little more like fall, albeit Southern California-style. I have been getting bookended by cats in the bed as soon as I crawl in, and have to use a crowbar do dislodge them enough to get out of bed in the morning.

I was in the computer chair today. Dipity was in the electric lap. Spoon came up, got ready to jump up to the electric lap, saw it was occupied, looked sad, then came and got into my lap. A bit later, Dipity got up, and Spoon immediately vacated my lap, practically leaving skidmarks in the process, and claimed the electric lap.

When Dipity was done with whatever she had been doing, she returned, saw the electric lap was occupied, and got into mine.

So I went over to Graphjam to give form to my frustration. I would have added more variables for things like proximity to electric lap, amount of food in the cat dishes, quality of food in the cat dishes, average direction of quantum spin of subatomic particles in kitties' brains, etc., but, dude, it's Graphjam.

Knittin' Crap for the Whiteboard Jungle: The Zip-it Voodoo Doll

Anyone who has worked in a cubicle maze knows a major downside is having a cube near a perpetually-loud person. As in, louder-than-moose-in-heat loud. As in, booming-into-the-phone-so-loudly-they-could-hear-you-without-the-phone-even-if-they're-in-the-next-state loud. During one such sonic onslaught, I came up with the idea for the zip-it voodoo doll. So, when an engineer in our group who was also in the direct path of these skull-vibrating vocal reverberations announced he was leaving, I decided to make the zip-it voodoo doll prototype as a going away gift. It seemed to be a big hit. Let's face it, there's at least one inveterate loud-mouth wherever you go.



I plan to make a stop-motion demonstration video soon eventually maybe.

Whiteboard Jungle: What's In Those Chips?

They replaced the vending machines in the break rooms at work a couple of weeks ago. The new ones are pretty scary. They look like they're going to become sentient any day now and turn on the human race. Actually, there were a couple days last week when I was kind of wishing they would do it sooner rather than later, but anyway.

This is a photo of the actual picture on the snack machines. That guy looks seriously stoned to the extent where he has the major munchies. I mean, come on. It's the same picture on all the floors I've been on. Someone had to decide this was the best picture to put on the machines. The mind boggles.

Spoonerisms: Envy

Seriously, where can I get a human-sized electric lap? How much more relaxed can she get?

Other: New Word of the Day

I coined a new word today.

• shitany (n): a litany of shit.
  Example: A permanent entry in my shitany is the fact that Support Group X tends to provide as much support to our group as a 10-year-old bra with shot elastic.

ETA: I even managed to find a real-world use today.

I was having an unscheduled sync-up with my manager today, and after I went through a shitany of blocking issues (where issues == people) keeping me from getting stuff done, she asked if I had anything positive to mention.

"Um..."

News: Ninjas, Cats, and Ninja Cats

(Disclaimer: ok, none of this comes close to being "news," but it's still more relevant than anything they show on Fox News these days.)

Ninjas!:


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Cats!:


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A music video starring kittehs!:


Ninja Cats!:


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Other: Ouchie

Created by Oatmeal

I can actually hear it, and yes, it hurts, and trust me, 25 is a very distant memory. Dipity, sitting nearby when I played it, could also hear it and got up with this WTF look on her face. Of course, she's a cat. And she's 2.

Metro Journal: Fr00t L00ps

In case anyone was wondering, no, I haven't heard back from the LA County MTA since my last missive. Current working theory is now that I have been placed on their "ignore her and maybe she'll go away" list. Aka, the "fruit loops" file.

News: Farcebook and More!

Facebook nonsense:

• A juror in Detroit got ejected because she posted her verdict, "guilty," on her Facebook page before the trial was even over. So much for (a) keeping an open mind, and more importantly, (b) not discussing the trial with anyone while it's ongoing. (Ok, maybe (b) wouldn't apply if she had no Facebook friends.)
• One study says that Facebook is a magnet for narcissists and people with low self-esteem, who go there to fill their craving for attention. On the other hand, if you don't have a Facebook page, it means you're basically Ted Kaczynski.
• And the "Zuckerberg is a total asshole" IMs...

Note I am still 100% Facebook-page-free. So I'm either perfectly well-adjusted or I'm Ted Kaczynski.

Click-through for more:

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Completely unsorted complete nonsense:
Too true:

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This reminds me of a dream I had once featuring Bob Dole (I am not making that up):


I wonder if this comes in cubicle-size:

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Why there is no god... Because I can't reach the tacos from the hot tub.

The US Department of Agriculture has been bombing Guam with dead mice stuffed with acetominophen in an effort to control the invasive brown tree snakes.

Knittin' Crap: Holiday Knitting Season Is ON!

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Yes, it's that time of year again, where I start to go a little nuts making holiday gifts. Work has me really busy, and I've started a little later than I intended, so come December, I might get sleep-deprived again. I'm also having a harder time coming up with ideas for some people this year, although I'll figure something out.

I've also had a "request." Normally I only take requests if it's reasonable and you're a really, really, really, "take me to the vet when I have to put my kitty to sleep" good friend. Otherwise, it usually turns into "No, I won't make it for you but I'll give you lessons" + annoying smiley face. (Said smiley face is even more annoying in person.) However, there is a loophole case: if you give me an idea that makes me curious enough to experiment and also is not onerous enough to take the rest of my natural life, I might get suckered into it.

News: Stupid and Stupider

Teh stupid, it burns:

• An idiot-meets-cop story that's actually from some place other than Florida! An Ohio woman walked up to a police officer, asked if there was a curfew, and then asked if there was an open warrant out for her. No and yes! There must be a better way to find out if an arrest warrant exists for you. I wonder if there's an app for that.
• Of course, that doesn't mean the idiot locus has left Florida. This guy got pulled over on a traffic stop. The officer noticed the unmistakable smell of marijuana coming from the car, so he searched the man, and found two baggies of assorted drugs between his buttocks.

  When the bag fell to the ground, Roberts immediately said, according to the report, “The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.”

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  That just leaves me speechless...
  
• Southern Baptists are not allowed to practice yoga, while "Other Christian leaders have said practicing yoga is incompatible with the teachings of Jesus." You know, I've read the Bible a couple times and I never saw anything along the lines of "Thou shalt not tie thyself into a knot."

FCC (Fuzzy Cat Censorship):

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Whiteboard jungle action:

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  Can I get some extra spell points while you're at it?
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  That guy? The one at the computer? That's totally me. I have said that exact same thing before. Java is a bloat-hog and if you're only going to run your app on one platform ever, WRITE IT IN SOMETHING ELSE.
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  Dude, I need to figure out where they hired their ninjas!

And to end that on a positive note:

News:

Ok, most of this really isn't "news" so much as part of the backlog of what my geeky, ailurophilic, somewhat cracked self thinks was kewl.


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--I'm pretty sure more than one person is willing to eat around the new life-form.

Transit:

• Mass transit encourages exercise. Well, duh, I already could have told people that, although perhaps "requires" would be a better word, as the bus rarely drops you off at the closest parking spot.

Dumbassbook:

• A 17-year-old French sociopath was arrested after bragging on his Facebook page that he had murdered someone. I will once again quote Lenny Briscoe from Law & Order: "I love it when they're stupid."
• China thinks Facebook is some conspiracy to spread political discontent. Really, they should see it as a boon. Americans waste so much time on FB, they're too busy with self-absorption to pose any threat to China.
• More French Facebook stupidity: A woman there found out her husband was a bigamist after finding wedding photos on the page of his other wife.

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Randomness:

• Beware the cow!
• Clock that knits a scarf! "What time is it, dear?" "It's row 80 o'clock."
• Red shirt action!
• I LOVE these Trouble with Tribble posters.
• Compare the Japanese and American packaging of these video games.
  
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